Trying to fix all the cracks that broke my life for years, but I wasn’t losing the game at all. I wish I could remember all of them. I wish I could remember all the pain that people gave. Can’t say much of anything. Life was always about fixing things and maintaining feelings and people, rather than living them. Collecting all the ashes of mine, wondering how good I failed in myself, bursting the fears, all I am still trying to fix what real living is exactly?
I wish I could bring all of them back who got away so easily and tell them I was not so wrong. My sored eyes witnessed the tattoo on my heart struggling to prove the world beyond all doubts. Undoubtedly, all this money can’t buy me a time machine. So I decided to further try to live. I still owe some critics. Breathe, darling, you survived before and you will do it again. Acknowledging the pain should be acceptable. I am trying the same. I was silenced until my soul started screaming. I have now accepted that people will live in my life for phases and successfully, I have to eliminate them. Reason? Will you hamper your mental peace for temporary smiles and happiness? I guess no! I am more of a burn than beautiful colors you think of. You have no choice to think because I don’t give you the one. I think I never tried to swim in myself and explore my own home. Actually, I was making a home in other’s expectations and other’s happiness. Strength, forgiveness, and peace are the real me. You all brutally gave me tears, and, I still swallowed the hurt. Losing love and friends has become so easy, as the meaning of them has been vanished. You all disturbed not even my peace, but my darkness. I am still living with disturbed darkness. I know one day, I will hear you all knocking on my door of dreams or home, to let your apology in [that almost died when you did wrong(s)]. It took a while to convince my heart that I need to find real peace. Where? Still an unanswered question it is. I am making efforts to resolve this complicated life that once seemed uncomplicated. I always tried to hide my pain so as to reduce someone else pain. I know the warrior inside me is still alive to erase all doubts from my heart. Just because it took me years to realize it, doesn’t mean it carries less value.
Now it has become so hard for me to invest in a person(s), because the bravest will not let her heart pulled by anyone else in sake of their belief. Whoever is reading this today or years later, I know you’ll feel heavy and you are supposed to feel it now. Every ounce of me has never ever done so wrong with you all that could ever give you 1000 tears. Did I? NO. Despite the circumstances, I will blame you all for making me write this. I am blowing memories everywhere, as no option is left to delete. Beautifully, we’ll have to live with it.
I will make sure that I will not be defined ever by my pain, but just the smile I showed to world and as I am still showing up 🙂
Take Care!